yeah november (*unfinished)
🎶cause the world goes on without us, it don’t matter what we do🎶
hey blog, sorrreeeee for the absence. i haven’t had a ton to say. i still don’t, but my fingers want to speak. they’re fast right now, and my brain is on. why not hop on tumblr.com when you’re feeling one with your computer.
literally what do i say um. this period (?!) hasn’t been too bad (everybody clap). usually there’s more physical pain. part of me thinks its going easy on me cramps-wise because i’ve been carrying more emotional distress than usual the past couple days. what a nice thought, an equilibrium.
been looking into birth a lot. again. wrote a paper where the thesis was “those serious about gender liberation should promote planned home birth over hospital birth.” it was alright. i definitely think its true. but it deserved to be more– full research mode, couple weeks worth of work, exploring all the caveats, critically unpacking ideas of planning, responsibility, risk, liberty, paternalism, capital. whatevr. later in life maybe. definitely a hole. missing from the world, the literature. an ethical critique of hospital care. hahahaha
🎶make me lose my breathe, make me water🎶
palestine. god. going to dc this weekend. what could i say now to look back on and be proud of who i am, what i think, what im doing? i don’t know. im not sure. i can say i took down those posters before i knew it was even a thing online. now im thinking that its amazing how connected i am to a greater force, understanding, agenda, even. and i didnt even know, it just felt true to do, and me, and real. then that girl got up in my business. now im knowing that she also is part of this bigger thing. her talking points werent her own– i didnt know that at the time, but when i heard her words echo days later i knew she was not the first to say them. “eradicate.” “land of our own.” “do you even care?” “just trying to help.” “terrorists.”
that’s nuts man, that’s just nuts. i’m glad i told her quote “i don’t give a fuck” when she rhetorically asked if i believed in the right to an israeli ethnostate. i don’t. i can see color. i see color now moreadays than ever. its a beautiful colorful world. but its almost like god was minding the lines of the book. he was really careful, to color neatly, to make sure his colors don’t touch. not everywhere though. miss me with that, god. not everywhere. but somewhere. overthere. i give a fuck about that. not in your way though, street girl. i’ll help god color. i don’t want to help god erase. im not in that business. that’s your business. that’s that problem i said you’re a part of. that’s some bad shit. some really, really, really bad shit. fuck off, seriously, fuck off.
there’s a worry about being perceived badly by friends, family. its a super privileged position, and it’s not holding me up a ton. but nobodys talking/hearing about that, because shut up lmao. crazy tho, to be tapped in when your loved ones just aren’t. to see the oppression, that horrible human fate, right there, see the world staring back at you, winning, grinning, evil. being so young but just young and empty with the world so full and bad and youre empty just empty.
oh my god fuck andrew yang and his forward shit oh my god.
this american position isn’t quite white guilt. i know white guilt, i’m still working on what it means to be an american, here. now
