went home, came back
noticed a lot of bad stuff in my hometown that made me sad and nervous: a Trump/pro-life rally, a Let's Go Brandon sticker at the deli, too many fuckin ring cameras, wide roads, lack of crosswalks, STARES, and the weirdest attitude about Israel from my family members (the most unsafe place in the world!)
I've been thinking a lot about being trans, i.e., considering that i might be, and this did not help. On a walk with my sister and our dog, while we travelled to a part of the neighborhood we didn't know people in/wouldn't be recognized, and smoked a joint, we concluded that it's just that people here (suburbs of long island) hate people. Like, they just can't stand humanity, generally, and what they really want is to be as far away from everyone else as possible; we saw that it's easy, with this lens, to interpret suburban housing and neighborhoods, with the houses set apart and back from the road, with endless concessions being made for cars... They really just want to be able to go from point A to point B without seeing or dealing with anyone else; they don't want to be 'bothered' by others-- a supremacist, individualist impulse. This anti-social attitude, while not perhaps all that conscious, runs deep and is incredibly normalized. I was talking to a best friend of mine about the fact that the atmosphere in public is downright violent, from casual racist remarks to a widespread heteronormative chokehold on expression, liberation, independence. Basically it feels horrible go to the bagel store now. And my family members are wildly misinformed, and there's not much I can really do. I told my mom that I hope she doesn't think I'm crazy when disclose my worldview, and that I would understand if she did feel that way... I had to practically beg my own mother, who does seem to trust me, to believe what I'm saying about our reality. What an awful feeling.
I thought a lot about how good I have it. What is it about the city? my community, the bus and the train, the parks, open spaces and friendliness, queer existence, the food, safety at night (safer than the burbs I might add!) ... i've had so many different experiences that people at home can't relate to. i'm the only one who left, all of my cousins at home right now, most of my high school friends. i really left. and im not going back, really. i want my dad to move.
i've carried a fear, for a while, of fulfilling that evil mold... kid who leaves for their posh private school, now looks down on their ignorant family with a holier-than-thou air. hate it hate it hate it so much. i explained this anxiety to my sister, who even has a stronger new york accent than i do. she says that nobody thinks i'm like that, and asks if i think they're all dumb- of course not! right, so you're not that person, she replies simply. still i worry. i worry about this a lot, knowing im not that person, but afraid of being perceived as so, as the distance only grows...
i felt that i couldn't wear what i wanted without making myself stand out, wondering at what point that means making myself a target. this haircut and the wrong outfit could get me in trouble-- i sense this now, even if my parents don't pick up on it. i'm reading the writing on the wall, the literal deli wall. this place bore me but it is not welcoming. there is hatred, opposition, left, right. i would be a fool not to notice now, not after everything i've come to realize recently. And I'm White. phheeewww. i can only imagine.
so yeah i do still feel bad for only going home for a week and a half. i slept in a lot. stayed up pretty late. tried to do a good job with the days. think i did fine. the pressure to uphold some kind of time-perfection broke me down. im washed. weird month.
i appreciate my parents much, and love them dearly. feels special to have great relationships with them both. got that, even though i'm a bit odd. they accept their black sheep.
i watched a lot of movies and a bunch of tv. the new 4 episodes of bridgerton are both hit and miss. i still need to log the films on my letterboxd.
my dog was acting strangely. she was barking a lot and making lots more noise than usual. she's getting old, but also just different. that made me feel uneasy- did she recognize me? is she disappointed? could she be happy?
the weather sucked. i come back to boston and everyone's talking about hot. thank fucking god. i mean, there's hell ahead, trust. but this is what i needed last week, what i wanted to be home for. but no, funny enough. i had to go back up north to get to the warmth again. fitting.
i think that's a good report. i wish everyone equal fulfillment and inspiration as my life contains.
down, but up,
Kate
<3
may 25 at 12:24am
