sunny day
not sure how much of this is supposed to be a diary, because i do actually have a diary. i journal... separate things. i dont like to talk about people on here, so haha, y'all in my journal bitches!! no slandering on the internet. no lovemaking either. that's drama. that's where i draw the line; i can only expose myself so much. so,
had a great day today-insert twink pic-yeah go zoom in silly. look at my long as legs lmao
today we got an iced latte- why they kinda bad now- and went on a big long meandering walk through the city with lots of choices, mostly about where to turn next. me, pictured, at recently unlocked location, very fun. smoked my weed. wore my boy fit. sandals included- look out. bought an orange, mid tbh. also bought a sandwich, fire. lots of choices made there. sat in my eno by the river and had lots of wind off the water. intentionally got dirt on my feet many times during all this. felt grounded. let the sun shine. let myself spend twenty dollars, cash, of out fifty, on the aforementioned goods. toted around a fanny bag and sought happiness in nature and found it. couldn't give it up- watched a movie on the porch for dinner, mid tbh. (not because it was projected onto brick.)
that's the picture of this summer: existing plainly under the sun. with friends <3
so much else to achieve though. my room is a mess and theres kind of Shit I Need To Do, but hedonism is RIGHT. for today it was and perhaps tomorrow as well. should just eventually take a moment to screw my brain on correctly, cook something, make a list, sort things into categories...
what if i said something interesting in this post? i've been thinking a lot about the environment + free associative love, separately. i'll talk about the first 1st:
now that it's been nice out, kind of, i've been especially attuned to air + light, as mentioned a couple posts ago and in various notebooks of mine. these foci have followed me and grown in conscious importance of recent. my feet wet from the grass/wetted in the water; my chest warm from the uv/opened by the breeze; the smell of the air/an immersion in it. all things i need. all things that make the rest of needs quieter, gone (maybe they still call for a bag of sunflower seeds, or a nice cold sweet thing.) pressing, though, they are irritable requirements for me. i can't help but notice the power of standing on wood without shoesies, yearn for the touch of cool rock, and feel deeply the influence of a room's architecture, which i struggle against-- there's almost never enough open window, i say again and again and-- why am i wearing a bra? why do we wear underwear... let me shed! let me absorb the greatness of my surroundings, without transaction, or ownership, only use, borrowing, returning with thanks. let me be! and live! with a certainty of success in this way.
annoying when i really like a song and come to find its the band's big hit. disappointing, in some ridiculous ego way, i laugh. anyway, Here's Where The Story Ends by The Sundays is playing as I type this in bed, it's almost 1am, and it's great.
about that free associative love. it feels quite awful, the lovers of today must admit, to find oneself in a position ruined by dominant culture. i don't need to specify for my comrades to know of what i speak (im not talking about cheating or creep shit ok.) the grey area stuff... to not be able to share magnificence, or joke, or enjoy without shame. ahhh gosh i think we must all feel such confusing things and i wish we would just be out with it. its all so funny for me. i have to imagine im not alone, so i think of the french. i think of who i want to be-- ive got such a clear image, always have-- and hide in that, because she can do no wrong; her sexuality is limitless and precise, she rules, fuck what they all say. i realized recently that im on my way there-- can you believe that?! imagine you are on your way to... Her [You]. hahahahahaha. i just laugh! with joy. always. what a gift ive given to myself, this progress.
i'll let you in on a little piece, since you're here, for some reason. soon i will release my queer little manifesto, and it will say that im not Really a girl, because of fluid boystuff. but i hope to emphasize this-- that so much of me is this Woman^ and she's spectacular and gross and developed and real, and present, for sure. for absolutely certain that is me, that girl who dreams of hetero-gendered dynamics, who lives for the object of the boy. the lady who does not have it together! the one with the earrings and the gemmed dress. who sings. with the hair. and dances. who really tells it to him, who let's him have it, who knows herself in his eyes and takes and runs and runs. whoever feels little, and is treated that way! who knows she will not be forgotten, and runs and runs. that is me, too. i am girl and woman, in part, and whole for it. she's in my head.
I know I could have loved you/But you would not let me...
I'll follow! You! Down!...
so yeah um anyway. BISEXUAL!!
going to sleep now? did enough damage here.. wheee!!! i love this blog. maybe i will tell people about it more...
xo,
K8
<3
p.s. listen to Birthday by The Sugarcubes, Bjork's voice is just so amazing.
may 25 2024 2:44 am
