sundayscaries:(
im normally able to tell whats up w me but right now im kind of going little kid and in frownmode, a little heavyhearted, not sure exactly why, or rather, it all just feels so unfair.
my mommy was visiting this weekend. she left, then i started to miss her, but i didnt even know that she wasnt out of town yet. finding out that she was still a few blocks away but leaving now really was hard. difficult to tell her to not drop off a treat on the way. makes me wonder why im not hungry.
i think it is because i am stressed deep down about work tomorrow-- the million things to do and all that could go wrong, that i might feel and have to weather. i shudder. then theres the times article i read minutes ago about immigrant hate in ohio; anti-haitian, white-supremacist organization that daunts me. i am constantly reminded of how much better i must be at my job. morally, i have never been in a position to have my failing be so costly, and the bar be so high above my head. its like my hands are reaching all the way up, leaving my core exposed. i am so, so vulnerable, and (if i may have negative self-talk for a moment,) lowkey so goddamn unhelpful. i guess i can be a dick to children. last week i couldnt give less of a fuck about how thats supposedly on me though. i was sobbing loudly in the parking lot, of course, in the middle of the day, desperation leaving my voice into the phone talkin bout "i dont want to hear it anymore! i cannot for another moment blame myself." anyway. that was tuesday, less than a week ago, and by friday, saturday, both of which featured all-day PD, im emotional again about their innocence, disadvantaged situation, bad habits. this is the hardest thing ive ever done, and thats probably why im a little out of it staring down a new week where i know most of my ideas for a better time, born from an inspired state in rest, will not. materialize anytime soon. damn. its fucking nuts looking down this barrel. i digress. they are taking a test tomorrow. so i can chill, and catch up on grading during my first off block, and lesson plan for the rest of the week during the last one. im getting better at this, still outward positivity feels out of reach. they took it out of me, my silly energy, and now its being held far away. i need to be the teacher that makes kids feel good about themselves; right now i am the teacher thats always disappointed, tired, and short. i dont celebrate culture, or raise up much of anything. i must still be kind to myself, and know that i will show them my heart when im able. it feels crazy that im not able to-- i thought that's all i had.
besides feeling like a monster, ive been trying to stay young. did not throw up on friday, lets go. did help a friend who went down that route, was up until about 4, didnt sleep in my own bed (thanks cb), did my first keg stand, did nothing to advance my current fuckless position (aka without fuck in my life), ran around the hill drunk and high for said friend, surprised myself with my physical agility there, woke up without an alarm at 745 just in time to call an uber home and head to the beautiful fall river. a sequence of events that doesnt need to be immortalized here, but... my weekend! my costume was nothing except for sexy, the house parties were vibeless though populated, and i wonder if there is something off in the universe. granted we started our night so late ( like midnight ) because of the rocky horror picture show viewing ending around 10. ugh. i just want to be stupid with my friends. i want to enmesh myself in a culture of 22-year-old behavior, for love, for inspiration, for satisfaction. i feel so stubborn about this. why must i be stuck on the normative value of being 22? i do not know. it is my religion. age is the god i pray to. and she gives me so much-- i would be foolish to ignore any of it; she told me to tell you that you would be too.
i read so many books when i was little, and it did convince me that something more is out there, mostly for those with a little sense for adventure or penchant for romanticizing the regular. i attach meaning to my fridays in the same way that i did when i was depressed-- with all-or-nothing cognitive distortion-- only this time i get to win. i love to win. i suppose if you were to consider life a game, going to the liquor store (the way i do it) means you're winning. and having a packed social calendar means you wont die. im hard on myself most of the time nowadays, but if i were to allow myself this i could say that my obsessive tendency with Doing (Cool*) Stuff (*I get to decide whats cool) comes from a very real Mental Health Requirement to be moving, to not sink into nothingness, to connect with others, to give myself pleasurable experiences that just so happen to need to meet certain criteria based on the day and time of week. i dont know, am i doing it right? thats always the question. should i bother removing from my head the voice that asks it? i think not. then i would not longer be kate. and i couldnt play in kateworld.
as we enter the 9 o clock hour, i must note that its possible that none of this makes any sense to anyone but me, and thats fine i guess. especially because ive never been more single, its only right that my thoughts be incomprehensible. im a machine that is loading, that someone has left in a room to go grab a coffee. i wish it were summer again, and i loved my room, and i was just hanging out with myself, and everything shone and nothing was wasted. now, enjoying the air feels more like a surprise than a plan.
(interrupted by cb return call where we talk about breakups, recent and anticipated)
<3
k8
10/27/24 10pm
