you may have noticed my absence (i say to my wordpress host, specifically.) this is because ive been building a new website at babycow26.neocities.org and because ive completed a journal since we last spoke. so ive been writing only physically, and wondering why i would pain myself by writing digitally, too, since i’d really like to keep everything together… html/css has been fun to learn i’ll say, but the new blog is not yet ready, and the sun has come out, so, well.
the sound of a macbook air closing, an exhale, and a long pause. a door slams of its own accord.
its the night before the last school day of the year, when we will go roller skating. sigh. so much is happening & its not slowing down for me even as i stand here, on the curb, begging for an act of mercy. it do not care.
i’m hosting a party on thursday– thought that’d be the kind of thing you’d want to know. im nervous about it, which sucks entirely. took all the fun right out of it. had a ton of fun ideas, few of which were right for this event. i had to let dreams go, back into the ether from which they came. this has saddened me. i want to be myself.
it will be fun, im sure, but then a lot will change. thats all i can think, or write, about recently. god. i’ll be out of town for a few weeks, and then a lot will change. in bracing i squeeze my stomach ’til it hurts. my eyes cramped shut show me stars. i pretend i am in space.
i enjoy reading my own writing. sometimes it sounds good. this is partially why i write. another reason has to do with bestowing significance onto my life– who let me do that?– and yet another regards connection, between myself and some questionably-existent other. nobody reads this stuff, but they could. that is the point. that myself should go somewhere, and be taken up by someone, if not now, then later; if not never, then ever. i give myself the chance to be complete. i think things like “at least.” it is not up to me to determine, once a feeling has left me, any next steps. i accomplished it, i took it somewhere, this emotion or some grand experience. i’ve found a verb to complete every sentence. that verb is writing. it lets me end things.
it also lets me continue– so much of what i’ve just expressed above is tied to journal entries of late. im in a particular place now, with my thinking, as i always am, but recently quite pronouncedly so. i keep hovering around ideas of myself, my needs, my personality. there’s a bit of consistency, things about myself that haven’t changed much over the years, things my best friend will tell me that are of-course-correct. there’s newness to the language i use to describe such facts, though. i’m smarter, wiser, twenty-three and a half.
logging off now, got so much ahead. might i look back @ this and laugh— or may i live a life so full, i never have the time, and i die.
<3 kate
(sunday) monday jun 23 12:45am