hey blog, i’ve thought about you every day since i made you, and i couldn’t quite settle on what to feed you next, but like, whatever!
at this moment in our arena, please welcome me and my haircut (!!) and the girls on tinder and jane: an abortion service, plus the sophie lewis book on my nightstand I could practically draw “z"s above, (that’s my bad.)
blog, I’d like to take the time to say that I’ve been feeling vulnerable when it comes to queer dating! because obviously, but also because of perceived external judgement from within the community, ow. looked in the mirror my therapist held up for me and saw that I’m much more comfortable with my gender than my sexuality, after being asked to spell it all out. this is, not in terms of definition– we’re solid there– but praxis. and i think this is because gender is something you can do more fully alone in your bedroom. sexuality is too, but at least people can demand more than your word for it. right? haha
yeah, been falling in love with this unreal image of a gay relationship i have in my head. eye contact and shit, you know. and more ‘equal’ stuff, including but not limited to a kind of greater understanding and intentional kindness. still really mad about the patriarchy, who would’ve guessed? bunch of guys were talking with my one man professor, who is great, in class today and i started thinking about barnard, lmao. and i think that’s fair— not that i should be concerning myself with the look of the opposite*, but worth saying, i guess. it’s fair to be feeling done! rahhhh (there’s obviously so much more going on here re. my anger with men but I will not [yet] divulge to my baby blog) *i.e., worrying about looking like a feminist that’s "unfair”
anyway, if i could make a mood board, which i cannot without getting frustrated, for my current passionspace, it would contain the following: lots of soft pinks, purples, and dark grey-blue, the end of “parachute” by caroline polachek {starting at “closing in”} (what a mother figure), splashed puddles of water, this specific capricorn-themed mug with hot tea, 'full surrogacy now’, BLÅHAJ, my noise-cancelling headphones, masculine clothing, flowers of the wild variety, tissues, PLL (got such a crush on spencer), the quote “finally there’s a way to be both free and safe”, 'bottoms’ promo art, and other elements to ensure cohesiveness.
so it’s almost sweater season, team. i’ve gotta take my winter stuff out from under my bed– an event which i’m already planning catering and lighting for. figured out that i’m the type of person that needs to remind themself to light candles, etc. an entailment of the great bath bomb revelation from years past. < - solid me lore
on a similar note of control: craving leadership of late. i want to run shit so bad. god i’d be so good. the dog sits in me, unbarking and chained. looked into theatre production opportunities, ended up feeling that thing i haven’t quite found the right way to express yet… degrounded? fucking sucks is what it is. when you go too far up the imagination slide; a kind of altitude sickness. so maybe i won’t be doing tech exactly but soon i’ll have another full-time job. lol. that’ll be cool. hopefully i can make shit happen. feel myself have an effect on the world.
🎶it’s time to be a big girl now🎶
i wish i could better articulate my current thoughts on “'girl’ stuff,” especially as its been coming up in the dumb discourse recently… i think i’m too online. well, now I have to go finish typing up my geometry homework in an itsy bitsy coding language I’ve caught onto– for extra credit!
the door?
the gate?
no, just kate
9/18/2023
p.s. god i fucking love caroline polachek’s music