hey!
long time no see. im listening to a playlist right now called "should i scream or cry," which is funny, because in this phase of my life that's supposed to be represented by it im not doing much of either. only the normal amount-- yelling about work in the car home, or practicing belting, the arborway lucky to hear my volume; upset due to pain, a headache, or laughing.
ive had a lot to say...
i step outside carrying a candle, an old one, so old its from my mom. the wax, evaporating, slides into my nostrils and i breathe in smoke. it should smell more familiar than it does. this whole scene should feel more familiar, in fact. carrying a computer outside to write, to work, carrying a speaker on top of it, a phone somewhere too, barefoot, nothing on underneath a hoodie, the air abiding, the buildings close by shielding... its all so repeated, and so new. so much is so new. i can't lie and say otherwise, i can't pretend to have a past.
i love in a way that sounds like missing. when im truthful with myself i admit that i dont miss anybody, not really. in the moment im briefly honest, i see something i dont know in the mirror. i see something totally new.
i am 23 and i just moved into an apartment in allston, massachusetts. it is not my first apartment, not even my second. im doing a job that i've somehow-- miraculously, in the past 6 months-- gotten good at. it feels good to be myself in every second of the day. i inhabit 2 worlds, at minimum. the work world, which is in totality real-- more than many can say, i brag-- and the life world. there's a lot of life in work, and work in life; it's still kind of a mess if im quite clear. im doing a degree-- ugh, god-- and its going fine, somehow. now that's a real somehow. i'm a much better teacher than i am student, and the quality of my teaching skills is up for debate constantly (but now only by myself. everyone else, as it is, agrees that they are present and strong. my friends [that i dont work with] don't know this. only know of this. i don't think they've seen a single thing...!)
i obsess over these things now: the components of a lesson; the platonically correct assignment to select for grading; tone of communication; the narrative arc of sensemaking; the point of everything.
i take notes on teaching all the time, like i once said i would. i work with kids. most people dont. weird. i work with kids for a lot of reasons, principally that i am interested. in them. in myself. im interested in everyone. whats going on? who are we? kids are helping me answer. i learn new things every day. i grow up every day. a growth hormone youre not meant to take. one you can get over the counter anyway. inadvisable for daily consumption. do scientists work in fear or awe?
all my love to science, and falling in love with again. all my love to the people it's always meant to be about, be for.
<3
kate
tuesday september 16, 2025 prior to 8:30pm