new keyboard

haha its kind of loud but i love it. !

i bought a mechanical keyboard off of someone on facebook marketplace because i actually really like the monitor i've set up and well am a nerd at the end of the day.

it glows rainbow! i also cant see what all the keys are supposed to be, but at least have shift figured out. there's such a broad clacky noise to this wow. but a toy. a new object. "block block block" it goes.

ive been quite enjoying my room. the CRT tv the rings, the strength of the leaves of Beach and Field, the wood of everything, the little piles of things, my weighted blanket. (of course the windows...and the closet doors.) i sat on the floor for a bit tonight, in the part ive cleared, under the lamp stood on my little bench. looked at myself in the mirror as i talked to my mom on the phone-- 5 hours total of a call. enjoying gazing upon my new tattoo-- i love it so, so much, its perfect. let's tell that story.

jp was on their jp today. jp-ing out the wazz. craft fair, scavenger hunt, courts of pickleball, folks on their way to no kings, and a halloween flash day. (ive decided i would like to be a fairy for the holiday itself. i've got to ask sylvie to sew that top for the magbay concert. next weekend is going to be a lot.) madeline sent me the screenshot from the shop account a couple of days ago, eyes emoji. i was dowwwnnn. my third flash tattoo! my fifth tattoo overall, lol. this ones the biggest yet, tired of people saying ive only got dainty guys. they cant say that now #skulls

30 mins prior to meeting up with the girls for not-coffee (no almond or coconut milk= no latte; apple juice instead) i threw up for the second time. the first time must have been in the middle of the night um? i crashed at a new friend's apt. i love this new friend! a blessing in my life, a random W. a gorgeous thing, a lovely morning omelet. i'd left my coat at the club and couldn't rescue it until 7pm, so when i woke up i called RFT. she left her keys under some leaves out front and i ubered home after descending from the central square flat with the ripped fishnets, miniskirt, and only one doc marten still on; mascara caked & borrowed t shirt and sweatshirt and tote bag on top, leather harness inside. genius move to separate my car keys from the rest, btw. ought to order a new battery for the airtag. been losing things. left my passport on the street next to my driver's side door for half an hour, accidentally. was just lying their, flat in the sun, traffic whizzing by on centre. such an idiot i am. such a lucky one, too.

my stomach was off last night, and mom mentions that she just came across an article about crohns/uc and alcohol intolerance. 2 ipas! starting to think my body is uniquely weak, if it's not my mind (i do have willpower, actually, and forethought. and yet.) i should get back to ordering my medicine. mostly i blame work. i cried throughout my lunch, which came after 4hours of nonstop labor/kid-facing time. toooooo much. i get a headache every friday now. its not ok. after work im so busy/caught up trying to relax the mind that i dont have it in me always to cook dinner, and the oven doesnt work, anyway. but i did it twice this week still-- big pot of chili and some multiple-serving pasta dish. i was nervous last night. i don't know. the point was friendship and connection, it seems. still doing my value equations. still that way about everything...

but im getting better. my consciousness has genuinely improved loads. im still working off of my insecure revelations of summer. im practicing speaking to everyone in ways brand new to me-- from a secure, confident place. manifesting (literally) an ok outcome. hard to explain. it's all so refreshing, and challenging, rigorous. requires genuine effort, but isn't that the way to grow? yes: neural pathways. i've learned tons from working with kids, about how people are, about how i can be. my politics have evolved. heard i'm a doomer. funny. still meeting a lot of very nice boys. the band is good to me. i'm not sure what i've done to deserve such a beautiful life.

i feel gorgeous, too. i haven't liked my hair like this in so long. up or down, with a little sea salt spray it is perfect. and i feel that i can do anything. my clothes i feel comfortable in always. im not making out with anyone at the club, no, not when i feel ill, but i think maybe that's not my role right now. i have so much love for my friends. i think they are so cool. how am i doing this? how am i meeting such incredible people? it's stunning, really, the rate at which things are happening to me, the conversations i've been having. my mom's fiance mentions the law of attraction and i say i believe that. im turning the corner onto a street i don't remember from last night, and the door to the club is unlocked, the lights are on. it's a very pleasant interaction and i've got my stuff back. because people are good. i explain to my mom that i could never believe otherwise. because people are so good. i'm starting to wonder if i have pretty privilege. i wonder about my own charm. i wonder how i get away with being so awkward. i want all the kids to know that you can seriously do whatever. that the world is good. that you can even grow a plant.

this week in review:

monday the 13th - wfh. little accomplished. but things accomplished. a new cold email template. hard to contain my passions. the 3rd-day weekend did not magically save my life, just showed me once more that most things are not actually immediate and that i can in fact get away with doing so little-- oops.

tuesday the 14th - a large day. kids loved the lesson (i nailed it! im so good with a day 1!) so the. joy was fantastic, im so good after the weekend, too. attend class, always a bit boring, but talk a lot from teaching experience. explain my structual frustrations to a random pair of classmates. don't both speaking up during group work, tired of talking in the moment. can decide for myself how my life plays out, exciting. stop at the grocery store on the way home, havent stopped goin' in well over 12 hrs. still make the chili and its damn good.

wednesday the 15th - work sucks. this day's schedule always does. PD is genuinely insulting for hours and i take extra time (unpaid) to have an annoying ass conversation with my boss in which she tells me i need to work on the weekends/nights and that our work-life has to be worse now because "we know so much more about the kids' needs." i said that i cannot plan on doing that, that something's gotta give, and it's not gonna be my brain health. because of this conversation, in which we dumbly look over the prep schedule and pretend there's time to fit things in, in which she asks if i use chatgpt for my classwork packets, unknowingly admitting she has no idea what goes into those packets or what my job actually is (science education has really changed, people!), in which she tells me that her sister has it worse and that corporate life is just the same as this (fucking liar)... i have no time to rest at home or eat anything before my mri. i pick up this keyboard yay. i call friends ranting about wage theft and how im so fucking done with all of this if it only werent for the kids. how we put up with this because we're weak. how exploitation is rampant and im embarrassed/ashamed to be a part of it. how i've grown now, so much less naive than i once was, and understand, like an adult, that you can't change the system from within it. feels good to express these feelings, oddly. like ive finally fucking grown up. i wait for the scan in the waiting room for an hour, talk to my mom about the progress ive made in setting myself up for career switcharoo. she believes in me so hard still, is glad im sticking up for myself, thinks i should be documenting my horrid conversation. the practitioner of the mri was odd, nice. played some Wednesday into the headphones, much enjoyed. don't love being naked under those gowns. hopefully they discovered something, idk. i don't want anything to be wrong with my brain, but there is. enjoyed a serendipitous rest of my evening, an ipa, a beer, and some wine, lots of good home cooked indian food. a new friend's birthday dinner, he's been here less than 2 months. i kicked it w his partner who flew up and the toast was so sweet. put on a carpenter's album. appreciated so deeply where my silly decisions & overall bravery take me. right into a sweet friend group, of artists and funny kids. i leave first so i can get enough sleep, feeling so grateful to have even been invited, a warm, rugged room a block away. laughter and openness.

thursday the 16th - an hour late to volleyball, but coulnd't quite stop myself from a second (of three) very engaging convo of the day. a very talented coworker of mine talking about survivorship bias, us agreeing that anyone who stays in this kind of educational institution is necessarily whacked, that only the most backwards folks could be the ones calling the shots. god so frustrating. that they don't know life so we are expected to abandon it too. i feel young, spunky, 23, nothing to lose. the first convo of the day was during my only 45 free minutes, with a parent who is also a coworker, her expressing her frustration at the lack of comms from teachers, me actually giving my 2 cents as to why that is the case-- lack of time (the only thing i'm bringing up to anyone anymore. well that, and, the impossible task of getting people to take the psychological damage that comes with admitting they've been totally screwed for years.) so this woman is directing her rage at me and i say ma'am we must punch up. she agrees with me that nobody should be working past their contract hours, and then i've got another. third convo came after volleyball, which was very much attended! yay! i love to play. we discussed the evils of biotech, the dullness of people, how i think it must all fall, should all burn quicker. i went home and started love is blind, not minding that the sun sets so early because it gives me more day (haha?)

all for now

love is blind is sooooooo nuts

looking forward to looking thru digicam from last night

my love, my love, my love again

<3 kate

sun oct 19 4am