long time (*unfinished)
the thing is that im scared to write.
on one hand this is because i get overwhelmed with the possibility of imperfection, with the effort needed to create something worthwhile and meaningful, the knowing that i wont stop, that it’ll suck me in
on another hand this might be because i don’t have anything to say. but i do. really, i do, but after a couple sentences in my head it fizzles– how could anyone ever want to read this? your thoughts about this? these thoughts
but i have so many ideas!!! and if i don’t say them then it’ll definitely look like i’m idea-less, and goodness that’s just wrong.
so, what have i been thinking about lately? devilish smile.
1. ugh, getting a job.
jesus christ this one BLOWS ! but its true, i have to do this shit. i calculated it, I need to work full time making at least 20$ an hour to keep living in boston comfortably. i should probably redo that calculation, and make it real, but yeah…. 40k huh. and for what. all this boring crap, honestly. lord can they make these descriptions worse, please? [i don’t think He could] so wtf am i gonna do… i can’t move home. that would just trigger a never-ending depression. or at least a couple-years one, like this last. don’t want that. *X noise* so i’m here, because moving to new york right away would be too scary. like, nobody’s there babe. even though they all talk about it, nobody’s there… i could be. i could be, but i still can be, in a second. i know i won’t let myself live here forever. i know that. but now… maybe i go easy on myself. maybe i listen to where im at, now. this girl could never just go to europe. i mean, she could, but not knowing what she knows now. not having felt everything she has
2. (something better…) christmas gifts?
some of them will drop like beautiful bombs, if there’s such a thing. others… i’m blanking, squad. fuck!! why does this matter so much to me this year, lmao. no idea, no idea. all this adult shit, come onnn
3. lack of girlfriend
so many matches, no dates, just not pulling those triggers. not logging on frequently enough. and that’s fine. every possibility of reality really is- fine. truly but god i been thinking of course. these thoughts
4. last night i took myself out
i would attach the pictures but i don’t know how much is too much on this internet… but anyway i was having such a lowly day then at some point around 7ish when i was going to shower was like what if i went out tonight– to the movies. so i looked up what was showing and settled on one, eventually bought A ticket online, then, as planned from the start, smoked a bit of a j on the porch (my sanctum, my safest space, my prayer alter, my enclosure, my porthole, can you guess where i am rn?), but then my GRANDMA called….. so we chatted for 20 min w/ gpa about thanksgiving, the baby shower, this sweater she found that was ‘just so katie’, etc. love that bitch. and gpa, too, duh. can’t wait to see them. must schedule time
ANYWAY saw SALTBURN, which i couldn’t exactly describe to my grandparents before then. i was super into it– after i got too high and missed like 3 buses but eventually made it on time to a pretty packed but intimate theatre.
