lock it, lock-lock it, lock it, lock it, unlock it 🎶
i love charlixcx’s music. that is just a fact about me. i have listened to the bottoms soundtrack top to bottom (pun not intended) twice now, and i’ve seen the movie like…almost…5 times. i bought the hd digital on friday when it came out– can i just say best decision ever? i have just been walking around the world, on the bus, in the rain, streaming the fuck outta that shit. i love it!! i also watched shiva baby & juno, both incredible. maybe i just like watching little films or i really know how to pick ‘em! thinking maybe the latter. gotta come up with a new lineup, sticking to theme. currently halfway through jennifer’s body and i don’t love it but i think needy & chip are supacute. what else though? definitely fight club, maybe debs, wet hot american summer, she’s the man, clueless. yeah, nice.
as for other things, my therapist is pregnant, ah! and i’ve been thinking about pregnancy about as much as i normally do, a bunch. for a class paper i interviewed my mom about when she was having me. that was cool, and really gorgeous on the whole. i need to do that more, just call people up and question them. i really love that, i really really do. i wish that was a career– i thought about being a biographer the other day, honestly would kill it. and maybe even enjoy it. but i should keep it a side thing, where i have full control over the shape of the project. in general i don’t think people are heard enough. i’ve seen it make a difference for kids, when i ask them about their opinions or experiences and really listen. they’ve said stuff like “you’re different. you actually care about what we have to say.” that was hard to hear!
on a similar note, i got too in my head about this blog a couple days ago when i started telling people it’s up. but i’m gonna stop mentioning it and take comfort in the fact that my first three posts are probably going to stay the most-viewed. slay (suppressing urge to reread them again because they were never meant to be that performative!) new addition to my lexicon though: noise. when i was caught up the other day, and not just about my silly writing on the internet haha, it was like a bunch of different moods were intersecting. i couldn’t quite intellectualize my emotions, couldn’t settle on the right thing to do to help myself. i know that mood, when its not one thing– it’s noise. and movement is the answer. sigh, it was really hard. and articulating it in session today was also difficult. but i’m filling in the gaps in my wisdom bit by bit.
what else? this is worth remembering: i went on journey over the weekend, and part of it featured giving my extra slice of pizza to a bookstore worker (so glad i did the weird 'does anyone want this?’ thing) following by a lot of candle sniffing. purchased a great one, perfect fall scent, which means a lot to me. my new air purifier also means a lot to me, it’s so cool! watching the numbers go up, then down, after i’ve blown out a match, is quite the hoot.
room still sanctuary, even though it’s a bit messy. it’s me. just like the rest of my life. far from perfect, but not that far. within reach, but stable. everything just kind of neutral. turns out i struggle with that grey area too. not having a great day, but not having a shit day? uncomfortable!! will get better at that. will also get better at knowing that one step backwards does not mean i’m back at the beginning.
🎶cuz iiii caaan’t help, turning my looove into pain!🎶
i know that i can reach that upper layer, that immersive self-actualized state, at any point in the day, if i live in alignment with the present moment within the greater picture. that sounds so spooky, i know, but all i mean is that there is peace inside of me to reach, at all times! like if i try hard enough, i can really take the best care of me. knowing this is a double edged sword, because i get disappointed when i fail to do the best job.
that’s about that for now. i can tell, via app and tummy sensations, that my period’s a-comin’. next week turn up !! then it’s gonna be a great way to start october, genuinely.
xoxo,
Kate
p.s. this past saturday was my first one 'off’ in 5 weeks !! i’m a bit of a busy dude it seems. and a little prone to slumping (slept the fuck IN) hehe