JUST LIKE WE NEVER SAID GOODBYE - SOPHIE

this is not a reflection on this song. im just listening to it (again!)
it makes sense to queue my favorite genre playlist when opening up wordpress. but this is not meant to be thematic; merely routine.


i love that im a person with a blog. i think thats why i do it. theres not a lot going on right now-- i say, amongst concerts and teenagers and sexualization and being sooooooo single (so yeah, not a lot!)


whats top of my mind? a dumb crush-- I'll know the one. kids. work. drinking. throwing up. missing something...

i need an Excitement. and i have been looking for it , but it is not so easy to impart on my bogged down brain .

i need something to shock me and make me feel the Most alive-- I am Alive, I know, but I mean in the Love way: Where is my awakening, my reprieve from staying wellenough?

i want to fall in love, but then it's a Wednesday night and I'm talking to my best friend on the bus and i realize that I would be more than fine with just a kiss (a good one, of course.) please!! god!! this week, I keep saying "fuck my life." which..........am taking applications for...........

that being said, i cant get myself behind hinge if im being so honest. tinder either--duh. so what? the last time i waited around for something to happen, it did, then it ended up sucking. im at a crossroads but its like ive turned around entirely. im so careerpilled rn i cant even give a fuck. i lack the energy and time to be dating and creating something swooning for myself. at best, i will be storked. i will have something land in my yard while im inside pacing. and i will go outside and be surprised.

the stand-in for lack-of-sex ive been using is tough music. it works somewhat, but i think we all know it just makes me hornier. there, i said it, on the blog. fuck! who liked one of my posts the other day? genuinely who the hell was on here lmao. i obviously do not write enough. i am too busy creating Do Nows, worksheets, homeworks, Blookets... fml. jk. i love those weird undercooked humans. thats not exactly payment, though, i will say. neither is the payment itself. so everything came to a grinding halt last week, and my mindset is so so so different now.

ive been meaning to chart all of the amazing and manifold changes that occurring in my head. i havent had the energy or time. but its a *lot*. i think this is the main intimacy im missing out on: someone to watch me go through this evolution, it's so massive. right now i have me and my mind and the memories i may not keep-- of my motivations from 2 months ago, and how and when they changed. thats ok though. i just need to get past all this; i'll make a narrative of it later. i am so in the slog chat.

i should be saying that this is wonderful! that really there is SO MUCH going on i can barely keep track. this is true! little to no downtime, wanting to capture it all, having systems to not forget it all and failing to follow through.... this is also what dreams are made of: The Busy.

so what else? i am full of work stories, but they dont need to be told here. i will maintain a more mysterious persona. we come here for meta.... for analysis....

and pictures? they can tell the rest.

October 19, 2024, 1am * Relevant Photos

(insert photo collage here)