im baaaaaack
hello,
nice to see you again. its sunday night and i have to go back to work tomorrow and boy does that stress me out. theres even a new-age word for that, mightve been recent to the culture as of this last year: the sunday scaries. when sunday night is just terrifying. there's lots of dread in america. and i keep thinking i hear something on the other side of my headphones.
right now: i miss being in a relationship. in the same way that you miss summer. there's simply just so much of me that no one, literally 0 people ever, gets to see. a trillion questions go unasked. with what doesn't leave my mouth i form into new sentences that all spell out "i'm really concerned with how we're doing this whole social thing."
little do you know, im quite the manager. and this rarely finds its way to paper even. but i want someone-- anyone!-- to know this about me: the way i handle my desires, my time, the direction of my life... it's like the way you hold a fish you plan on releasing in 60 seconds time. in that moment, your grip is calculating, wet, and awkward, but firm? and all you're doing, really, is thinking about how to hold that fish! it is this measured grace that consumes me, in most hours of the free day. my journal, nameless, unlike yourself, has all the things i'm concerned about, many of them, well, quite managerial.
the last 2 weeks confirmed a lot about myself. tonight feels like an inflection point, which is why i say it like that. and right now im empty of stuff. i gave it my all, this hibernation. im not sure if i am uniquely exhausted or ready-to-go.
that being said, here are my journal entries of late (i started a new one)-- let me do this, and it might just be worth your while. (you're missing out on the varied and sexy handwritings of mine... only a lover might get a peek.)
-- last night:
I could be on the bus forever. I sit on the two seater with its back to the wall like its a couch. My parents don't know the joy of spotting an orange slit in the distance-- there she is! The heading of the bus taking me home-- the joy of a Friday night ending with an orange slit in the distance. To feel as at home as to put your feet up on the seat across from you, blocking anyone that would choose to exit the vehicle opposite their appropriate door. This is close to life as I want it. Close. Close. Just wanted to write it a couple more times. Really enjoying writing right now. Because I wanted to talk to you about sex.
It's a blessing to be one of those people. See, most of the time life is just fine, really. And then you put on the wrong song, and think of them; it is in this moment, you're screwed. Then, is then you want it.
My stop is soon. It stings in the right way to be at risk. To have something so good you don't want to lose. To be had. All this to say, gentlemen: I miss being in love.
--
The entry ends there, but I'd like to add on, since you asked...
well, first, it's been a while! i have "lived many lives," i've said, since the last time i was in a relationship. finding myself in this crush-y headspace allofasudden, and winded! the way a great bike ride puts tears in your eyes, then you're... crying. it's not like i have an argument to bring here or anything. no rationalized thought of why i ought to have a partner. just a holistic missing-piece feeling. a sober acknowledgement that i am someone who fits really well. a shame to not have me in use out there. God has benched me, despite my tremendous candidacy for Girlfriend. Hmm.
i was thinking about an ex the other day and i remembered how much we used to laugh, how it made me feel like a kid. that version of myself-- so much younger, spiritually-- felt youthful in a way that age shouldn't take from me. the quest is for that again.
and its the you-know-when-you-know, the mind connection of it, the unquestioned physical intimacy, the egoic intimacy (my favorite part, being so bare) and the confidence underlying it all. i do not falter. i am so strong-- so good at being naked, even! again, i cry out "unfairness," but i'm not in the business to judge, and you shouldn't be either.
i don t go most of my days missing these things. so it s not about a constant ache, or even a nagging feeling-- there are even no doorknobs to bump into to snag a thread. its only when i think about it, and from time to time i do...
-- 1/2/24:
Jan 1st = alright start! Woke up on "Christian"'s couch as at home as ever. Ship on the loveseat, hey girl, & a bag of Funyuns for bfast chatting with Matt & him. Some reminiscing on the night-- laughing w/ Zoe, ball drop w/ Martina, my love for Arlo, Nate, Theo... Eventually drove home after some sips of Gatorade & gathering my stuff. Kris + Margo stopped by & saw the place. I had lit a candle & was doing the dishes - some of the counters were wiped already, I might've had a record going like Ive been recently. chopped up some celery to make another dent in my veggie dip-- really livin'. They didn't stay for long, told me that NYE @ Icon was overrated/not fun (who coulda told ya lol). Ended up watching a lot of The O.C., taking me through the latter of the first 10 episodes. So many thoughts on it- gotta make a sizable dent then to really get in there, so Ive got something substantial to say (That's what it's all about right) Currently, as I watch more as a nighttime soothe, Im struck by the parents dynamic being akin to that from "Twitches," the Disney Channell original movie about Twin Witches that did a lot for me growing up. I'm glad my first 2 days of the new year have been different than those of the past weeks. I took things off to do list, have already forgiven myself for past shortcomings, all in the spirit of a fresh start. ♥️
--
3 days later and im talking out loud in living room, laughing at my friends on screen. the oc is my new baby. now past s1e20, ive fallen in love with seth cohen, unfortunately-- since its so real it hurts. need him. and have this to say! the parents marriage is my favorite depiction of one i've ever seen. with its timing & that of Twitches, though, I wonder, is there any good married couples outside of y2k? i also think that summer is fabulous. i can tell that the actress is a total cutie. ben + mischa i could not care about any less. they're like my new family, though. even julie can stay like, what's that bitch gonna do next?! i remember that i watched some of the real housewives of ? ? when i was at home.. rich media streak....
🌸
thats all for now. still in hiding.
...
<3
k8
1/5 10pm
