back on pink paper
and happy to be here
thank u adam for the weyes blood queue/"playlist" setting the tone rn -- a lot's gonna change in your lifetime / try to leave it all behind in your lifetime
im a teacher starting tomorrow. and i cant stop thinking about how it could be my first time kissing someone in a long time, tomorrow. totally crazy things pulling my focus in two different directions. and a very inspiring conversation last night, after some quality friend time with ben! i feel so much
do sponges feel weighty?
should they feel fat
absorbing
joy who fills
i wonder if was born with a sensory-seeking personality
i think of the music i like
sure, maybe, okay
there's something to reaching a threshold
and to knock--
--ing on a door
"This Is The Day, Your Life Will Surely Change" ~ This Is The Day by The The (already in my liked songs??)
it makes sense that i liked being on the radio
i like to talk
and hear it
myself talk
when I can put words to it
it all becomes a part
of something better !
something that feels, better.
right now it's 7:45pm and i'm trying to think of something to write. i like how readily i jumped to open up a new post. it has been a minute though i have been writing/creating lots! good to see the blog again and remember i can do this.
i want to get organized-- i want to clean up, because of this date. i'm like, well, ignored all the hanger clothes for this long. It Is So Time. Tonight, especially. but definitely sunday/monday. i mean, the outfits! people ask me why i'm so obsessed with timeline, or have to reference the date/month/day/order of something when i'm telling a story-- like it matters. my goodness! we must understand everything in context! cmon, now, or else you wouldn't know about the present pickle in which i find myself, for it matters how long ago i X or finally did Y. i'm tired/nervous/blocking about tomorrow, the latter being dismissing & putting away and the strongest feeling. i cannot go there right now, it will just be. it will just happen and i will spend these hours being calm because those hours will come. and those hours will be good. just good. Just good!
i'm not wearing anything underneath this oversized sweater vest and my heart feels open. this is probably because autumn is coming for my boobs right now, but let it be true-- love for everyone very very much. an extreme social energy. something something rising sign. attractive energy. mutual love and respect. being exactly the same size as everyone else.
https://open.spotify.com/track/63dLm0BUpepXeFIfZ0OKEL?si=76c16149e1eb4be8
Wednesday Aug 21
* * *
im in the park now, turned away from the downslope -- just ran into arlo! I will miss that a lot. the feeling of that, narratively.
anyway, sitting on a big rock like a chair and my back's to St. Alphonsus; under a tree that feels low to the ground, because of the hill. i look up and the sky is a bright light blue, the clouds bright white and gray, the grass and even its shadows bright green. the cool tones of more rocks up above seem to shine. the air is not hot, it tickles, but comfortably.
going on a second date today, with a main objective being eat good food and secondary objective being get toasted by the sun and embraced by the shade and tertiary objective being make out. i think all of those things can be easily achieved-- as easily as $2.40, even, so I am happy. i am tired but grateful for all there is to wake up to after a long sleep of, thankfully, dreams i do not remember. i have Options, a variety of things to do at any given moment of a day, or night, oftentimes. so i'm required to go inward, face feelings, very frequently, for guidance. i have made a grand habit out of listening, intuiting. i've developed quite a skill there, though i am not perfect. every once in a while there will be some complicating variable involved--time--which takes more from me than normal: patience. luckily, i have luck, and truth surfaces eventually.
this is how i figured out what i would do today, and last night (nothing-- fell asleep on the porch, really, in front of 8 tea light candles and a mostly-not-smoked joint, having completed a number of calls and recorded myself numerous times.) and right now i really should be doing work, but i have a priority, and that is wellbeing. work has exhausted me, and i could've known that from my failure to properly produce tears alone. when i laid down on a desk in my classroom and stared while ben played with the broom, i was drained. and then i put up my calendar, because i want to have a good Monday-- I give myself my good life-- and i will do what i came here to do, gosh darn it. but let's think about that, now. let's make a survey of questions for the Do Now, let's plan in a way I never have. when you put it like that, it does seem, contrary to the conclusions of 4pm lately, that i was born for this.
Saturday Aug 24, 3:36pm
