a star

Cut me in two yeah
You know what I mean
Only underwater do I think to breathe
Swimming around yeah
Just feeling the sea
Just need a breath to know what you are
Hanging around like we're SeaStars

..stuck in my head. just hung up some stuff in my room with the beloved / riley. didn't go to work instead hung out with them all day, very nice. framing things is expensive but, and, i'm so glad to know that. many new experiences tell me that a world is being built around me in my sleep. i take my rings off now, as i type, hands recently active in a new way-- screwing, peeling-- and i think about my lover, who i miss, who i've thought about a lot; how they take their jewelry off when they shower, how i know because i asked. i put my 4 silver ones on my small bedside table, inherited from strangers, next to a nearly full mug of earl grey, abandoned before noon. i'd taken one big swig at the perfect temperature, then left...the rest of the day...

i google "is twen industry plant."

i'll have to figure out how to get field (name of my smaller potted plant, genre unknown to me) to expand appropriately. right now his vines (stems?) are so strong, like very capable of getting to the window, but also strike me as needing support. i'm no expert on that-- or framing, as it goes-- so much is to be learned. at the vintage store today i remark that it really is such a great thing to be alive, to have so much time (to wear clothes, to experience being awake.)

mythological beauty comes on the queue and now it'll always be about someone. i made this playlist for yearn-y reasons. i'd like to find a way to create a static spotify-type feature to my website. not in the audio-playback sense, sorry*, but to catalogue playlists. *artists rights, i can say (haha.) this will come soon, i do actually believe. creating html files for all of the blog posts i've made within the last 2 years has been relatively easy, once i figured out my protocol. and writing this one, in the code editor itself, does make me laugh. who thought this would be a good idea? literally just me, hahahaha. funny stuff

i'll wrap up, kind of hungry, should sleep. will be waking up early to shower and dress cute and tackle the day with renewed vivre. all i have to do is go to work and then i get to come home again, do something silly like create gravy, or chili, or more files, or laundry. then just one more day of work (it's wednesday and i kinda haven't been at all this week, hmmm. tuesday was a holiday.)

let's close with something i wrote on the bus home from class on monday:

taking a lover

not something i thought i'd have the privilege of, so young.

i spoke to my mom on the phone, before going out that night. i walked to a T station a few away from mine, because i was anxious to get to the pregame, thinking about who would be there, and how they would be. i felt like a kid, speaking into the phone about how i try... to keep going! i'd been at a work conference all day, changed into boots, a handkercheif around my neck, riley did my braids. i kicked at the gravel, fell into the tracks, train still minutes away. flannel peeking out from my insulated jean jacket that fits me perfectly, if makes me feel a little small. protected, mascara. a child in a big world-- amory street, comm ave.

i had already decidedly had a good night [when we met]. funny moments only God would laugh at, or the closest of compadres. bought a drink, sure. the many at the pre seemed to have no effect. alone-ness. a new thing. big eyes. a club full of friends. poppers!

you have made me feel so good.

i really did want to go home with you that night. only needed to wait a day. still didn't think we would. and it's the next day and its still real.

i've been realizing a lot of things about myself! i told you this. i've told friends, too: i'm more guarded than i've ever seen myself be...i've done things to bring about this hurt part of myself, i am partially to blame for being more fucked up taht i used to...

there are moments i'd already like to remember forever.

i was acting out some story from work, above you, looking up in a way i have to do to really focus. you jolt me out of it, pull me down, down. a strange and terrible exciting mix of surprise and joy!

you were perfect on date 1. god was i giddy. i've never (really! ever) felt so clear on flirting. so absolutely not friends. [editor's note: you were ferocious,, for those not there, i'm not bluffing.] thanks! i could still smile about it; i am now-- small, on the bus.

plenty of things i don't want to tell the internet. little touches & tiny gestures... i pay attention, i can tell you that. and there is a physical journal for such traps.

i find myself on the way home from work thinking about your dry knuckles. about pressing them against my cheek. about kissing the top of your head !

haha

i do love to live. life gives me the most wonderful things.


i hope my lover doensn't do away with me


(fin)

i'll keep going,
Kate
<3