aggressive hey

i always promise so much.

rarely do i fail to deliver.

except when it comes to writing.

i’m not even sure what i want to write about now, but i guess a couple things right off first:

  1. haven’t posted to the blog in a while
  2. have thought about it a lot ever since (throughout november, december and winter break, the first two months of the spring semester, + a week)
  3. just can’t sit down and do it sometimes
but I’ve got a lot of ideas. lack of blog posts absolutely not correlating with lack of things to say…

i utilize my notes app extensively, there’s some ideas there, but i don’t want to go in at random, that would feel wrong and i couldn’t maintain this meter of writing that i’m already doing, so…. Dune.

just learned about what’s going on with Dune, in the Dune world, and so on. first attempt at watching the movie a couple years ago left me feeling silly but, i’m better now. i want to read the book over the summer, in a hammock. there are a lot of things i want to do this summer. those are all over my notes app, too, and on my wall. i don’t think “dating” makes the list, though girls remain pretty.

SUMMER that’s just naming a few. hopefully a lot of them can come true. i want to let my body feel good, it knows what to do, you know?

speaking of: dry sex life. mostly. but that’s just on me, my doing, so i cannot really complain, but just state. for future record. that im still in my contented-single era, haven’t quite hit the wall that keeps you bothered about it yet. cool cool. guess some time w a stranger couldn’t be that bad, if i made it fun for me. what a weird concept. i love my friends, that is already so much. saw a corny tweet about that today. didn’t like it because it would show up on friends’ feeds and that’s just,, ugh. true though

february was kind of ungovernable (what else can i say besides ‘crazy’ or 'wild’???) in a bitches testing me way (lmao) but no in a… here, see for yourself: [from my notes]

<>

Feb 4th>>

Priorities 

Feb 6th>>

Sick email

Hi Prof,

This is Kate from your ( ) class.

Just writing to let you know that over the past couple days I’ve been experiencing symptoms of a medical emergency.

Feb 19th>>

i feel like people have been pretty critical with my recently and i dont like that 

>>

lowkey infuriated

>>

el tuesday [these are things I write down that I wanted to talk to el about on tuesday]

having to defend myself a lot recently

maybe i should cut my acts (self centered, crazy/stupid) (dramatic, unserious) [REDACTED]

would normally want to talk to a therapist about my natural desires to do things that feel important to me but are deemed odd/wrong by others ex. [REDACTED] but also wouldn’t normally pick such a birds eye topic because we get engrossed in the little things. but still: is there something fucking wrong w me? is it bpd? am i 2 hippie 2 quit?

Feb 21st>>

blog was very overwhelmed this morning— hadnt felt that anxious in a loooooonggg time!!— but lunch w gray and lab partner (liz?) was so beautiful & im like, again, omg i love life + my friends

Feb 23rd>>

Mom - therapy hospital $$

Feb 29th>>

“By anarchist spirit I mean that deeply human sentiment, which aims at the good of all, freedom and justice for all, solidarity and love among the people; which is not an exclusive characteristic only of self-declared anarchists, but inspires all people who have a generous heart and an open mind.” Errico Malatesta,Umanita Nova, April 13, 1922

* * *

so that’s that… i think hopefully that says a lot, captures a feeling. i knew it was a month to remember like halfway through, you know? and it ending with a 1 year breakup anniversary… classic. reflective. so glad it’s march though, damn! haters were taking up too much space. i say that jokingly obviously but also if you dare to read through the lines you might observe that i am in fact quite upset about the attacks leveraged at me over the course of a couple nights in a short span of time that were all off base and random and yet still hurtful anyway it was a weird pattern there’s no denying! it doesnt help the identity crisis, which is in FULL SWING !

who am i?

idfk man. let’s consult the March notes app, shall we?

March 1st, 3am>>

dont like cleaning bc dont like confronting the waste i make

March 1st, 2pm>>

in love a little bit with a handful of my friends but for various reasons dating them is not in the question & will never be! how relieving to know that

March 6th>>

Candlelit charcuterie night

* * *

feel like these don’t shine as bright but they’re certainly better. im supposed to get my period today and i had no idea. but wait let me clarify that you should not take that second note to mean that i have feelings for my friends i do not, just read it another way idk

music been good recently.

rn its 2018 peach pit (Drop the Guillotine) but that’s definitely not representative. Lime Garden’s album One More Thing is though. and Grimes still, if im not doing that persona enough. and Car Seat Headrest, but in an on wait - always way. like a fucking brother. rest of the good shit is just in my Liked Songs kind of at whim. special selection: Chosen to Deserve by Wednesday. Next up should be RINA bc alr found 2 songs on there I really enjoy. but even now im off hyperpop for a week, lmao. what happens when you go camping.

towel party next week
aunt in the hospital
mom visiting in like 1 second
more job interviews tomorrow
research to do
havent unpacked yet
its spring break
i just keep getting high and getting through it
i really do love my friends

there’s probably so much about this life that i’m going to miss. and i look forward to the time where i actually have the space to consider that. more choice

a poem to close us out, and maybe i’ll upload some pictures tomorrow. (haha, odds?) thanks for reading. just off the radio show juice, Fri Mar 8 3:20am. common time for me recently. stealing back my peace in the wee hours oft’

i heard symphonies
who wouldn’t let me sleep
the everysound of rain on wood
my ear on wood the same

i taste dairy
soft despite my body
taking my time
i do not think

scratching at my head
i can do this
this i can do
which lets me cave in

i laugh a lot
it makes me cry
a lot of tears
a lot of love

i love sooooooo ( )
all to say
( )


<3,
Kate