hard to find god on these days, when you wake up late, have too much to do, tap mindlessly through youtube for 2 hours despite it, lay on the couch until your back hurts. i know that my mental state always comes back around; this fact is not lost on me even in the dark moments. but wow so horrible still, the wait.
that inspiration finds me through the muck everytime is only 5% solace. feeling drained, like you've opened yourself and done out... more real unfortunately than hope. more real than a coming light is a present headache, the cast of a grey cloud, the smell of nothing.
it's anxiety, mainly, that puts me here. pressure of unmet deadlines, a loooong to-do list, initiatives i haven't made time for, a world to be saved. its a sunday and i actually don't need to save the world today, i tell myself. it's nice to hear this, seeing as, well, the day's half done-- my fault. i need to hear this, so i can do anything at all, breathe again. and this is how it goes.
a problem i have is with discontinuation, that i fail to create a sense of continuinity in my life to the effect that i feel as if i am living a different one with each small set of passing days. longing for a life i've lived less than a week ago... a problem.
why must i deny myself a sense of stability, security, static background? likely ironically for a thinner sense of stability, security, static background. feels safer to have the dull be the anchor, or the empty sky. not the voices of others. not time spent together. safer to depend on your keychain looking the same, the neglected pantry stockpile. not anyone who might go. not a place that might turn up empty, a gathering that might feel different than last time. so i've perhaps begun to ignore, to push away, shut down a tad. it's crept in...baadd, bad. just want to feel safe i suppose. don't though.
other problems have arose, too. opening up to new people, explaining myself to them, been a rather disgusting task. things noticed about my being i dislike. intimacy being gross and all because of that reflection piece. been a while since i've hated it. been a while since i've had to start over at all. it's a beautiful thing, don't get me wrong. and it's a weird thing-- since when does kate get uncomfortable with vulnerability? since just now, this last month. strange. picking myself out of my teeth. grand conclusions of decomposition and actions plans of collapse.
i have survived the fall, we'll see to the winter. it's been about getting through, this "autumn" (never felt like it, still doesn't quite feel like december either), and i've been lucky to actually enjoy a lot of it as well. i've enjoyed almost every day, in some way. its been gorgeous-- why does it feel like all of the goodness is slipping through my fingers? because the sun is gone at 4pm. because i avoid getting up, getting out, because of the cold inside, outside. becuase of hormones, the difficulty of finding a therapist despite efforts. it was actually cold for the first time all season on thursday night. single digits friday morning. the first snow on tuesday eve. if you'd ask my body it'd say it's been tolerable besides. guess we're in it now, then. realized a few mornings ago that i haven't checked the weather app for a couple weeks, wondering when i started defaulting to an expectation of cold. when was the last time i thought shorts might be applicable? when was the most recent instance of thinking a sweatshirt could be enough? for the record, it could not have been that long ago. but facing forward-- let go of the summer and it will come back quicker. forget about the rest of things and they should return again.
not wanting to hibernate it seems we will anyway. i can just do better at answering texts, and eating breakfast.
well, that's that on that.
cheers,
kate
sun dec 7 4:38pm