hello,

so it's been a while.

sitting on my bed, in the dark, half clothed, as we were just talking about.

the window AC hasn't been in since i was out of town, when ryan took it out. he was in my dream last night.

i've challenged myself to wake up at 7am and pack the car and leave, one more time, this city. so many thoughts about leaving this city, less about saying goodbye. accepting the consequences of repression, if only because i have to.

this year's been the coolest. absolutely, without a doubt. it feels unfair (to it) to let it wind down so scrappily, to have the final moments take form so bleak. i won't be thinking about this soon.

soon, i'll have more to say by way of children, love, work, experience. that's the idea anyway. i imagine being alone, having nothing to do. i question whether i will become the person i've promissed myself, noting the doubt there. it's been a year, but only one.

moving's never been this hard, because it's never been this big, and gosh where'd all these things come from after so long, and what to do with them? my mind cannot imagine starting fresh, but then there it is too, a picture of it-- necessary, by look. 12 months ago i didn't know what was coming for me and yet we have been the happiest, surrounded by love and ambition, the moment within the time it takes up.

i won't say 'gone too soon' because somehow everything still feels right. like only what's not happening would feel wrong. yet there's so much i feel bad for, but nothing i can change. there's so much i hope for, but nothing of guarantee. the body hurts itself in trying not to drown. it's a stretch of a weeks where decisions come slow and are handled poorly.

i think i'm tired, profoudly; i figure i've been some kind of depressed, and it's not hard to see why. i try to remember everything i've learned about resilience and character and others and what's out there...things i've seen push me forward. like a stubborn friend willing to meet you, arm on your back, step step step. step step !

all i'll have to monitor is myself. (more than i've been already.) i might be too young to have things to undo, but they're there...

what a gift!

kate

20 aug 2026 12:40am (th)